I Love My Mom But She Should Not Be Allowed Near the Internet or Telephones

My mom knows how to use the internet to get to pogo.com, and from there, she can play the games. Usually.

She can also check her e-mail. Usually.

I was sent on a mission to find a song that Garrison Keillor sang on Prairie Home Companion. “It was beautiful”, she said. “I need more than that”, I replied. “He had other people singing with him”. Ok, so I go on my mission, which means I look on the NPR website and see if there are any songs listed. Apparently he sings a ton of songs in every broadcast. So I sent my mom a link to the latest broadcast so she could see if she recognized it. She couldn’t follow the link. I followed it for her, and read off the list of songs, when she says “I don’t think it was in English”. None of the titles were in anything other than English, so I suggested she just listen to the entire broadcast until she hears it. That was actually going very well…until the internet stopped working.

I was upstairs getting extremely frustrated at Facebook, because it was absolutely necessary that I spend my 3 hours in the middle of the night on there. It loaded, but then I couldn’t do anything on it. So I closed and reopened, restarted, and cursed a lot. Then I hear “Beep”. “Beep” in this house means the phone has been turned on and is about to be dialed. It’s that loud. Then I hear “beep….beep……….beep…beep…………beep….”. That would be the sound of the phone being dialed. I knew what was next. My phone started ringing.

“Yes?”, I say.
“It stopped playing”, says my mom.
“What did?”
“The radio”
“Did it end?”
“Yes. But I clicked on the thing that says Part 3 and nothing happened. You need to fix it” “The internet is being weird, it’s not something I can fix”
“Well just make it play”
“That’s not within my power”
“It was playing before”
“I know, I’m the one who made it play. You probably opened too many windows and disabled the internet” (my attempt to freak her out)
“What are windows?”
“I don’t know if it can be fixed”
“Can I play my games?” (her attempt to indicate she doesn’t care who broke the internet, she wants to get on pogo.com right NOW, damn it)
“I’ll be right down”.

So I go down and do the usual – unplug everything, then plug it back in. It worked fine and we were both happily on the internet, me upstairs, her downstairs. I also threw in a load of laundry so I’d have underwear for the next few days, but that is completely beside the point.

“Beep”

Here it comes…..

“beep….beep……….beep…beep…………beep….”

“Yes?”
“Did you get that e-mail from Melisa?”
“I don’t think Melisa has ever e-mailed me”
“I meant in my e-mail”
“Why would I have gotten something in your e-mail?”
“Never mind. There was this card. It was on the internet and it is for her grandmother’s 97th birthday, and I was supposed to sign it. I wrote a really nice message, it was very nice. Now it’s just sitting here and there’s nothing that says “send”. How do I send it?”
“I don’t know, I’m not looking at it”
“Should I hit ‘enter’?”
“I’ll be right down”.

I did have a really great blog in my head about this apple I ate yesterday that was obscenely big, and it got caught in my apple cutter thing that you put on an apple and push down and it makes it into slices, and it was all really funny. Now I realize that was just a story about me eating an apple, it wasn’t that funny at all, and my mom is far more entertaining.

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