Puttin’ on the Ritz

I was driving today and the song “Puttin’ on the Ritz” by Taco came on the radio (yes, the radio – not Sirius, not my iPhone – the actual radio). This brought up horrible images from my childhood of the many things I was scared of that no one else was. One of them was, you guessed it, this song. And more importantly, robots.

Puttin’ on the Ritz sounds like it is sung by robots. Robots freak me out. So there I was, my little 80’s self, being terrified of this song that I assumed was being sung by robots. And then I saw the video. Go ahead, find it on You Tube. It’s horrifying. If I had any idea whatsoever how to put a link on here to the video, I’d make it easier for you. Rest assured, it’s terrifying, especially if you truly believe it is being sung by a robot to begin with.

Another song sung by robots that freaked the hell out of me? Crimson and Clover. And Boy George. Ok, Boy George is not a song and he does not sound like a robot, but I was terrified of him as well. I think I was too young to appreciate him – not that I appreciate him now, because I don’t, but I am less scared when I see him.

People don’t understand that they need to be very scared of robots, whether they are robots that sing, play games, dance, or whatever. Some day they will animate themselves and kill you in your sleep. Don’t give me this crap about the Zombie Apocalypse, it’s not going to happen because the robots will kill us first.

At At’s from Star Wars – terrifying. Horrifying, even. To this day, I panic when I see them. They are MUCH Larger Than Anything Should Be, for one thing. They move in a creepy manner. They fall dramatically and, once again, because they are Larger Than Anything Should Be, when they fall, it’s that much more terrifying. They look like they could almost be cute, like coyotes or wolves or cats or Falcor if you just look at their faces, but then you see their size, and the world feels wrong and your heart starts racing and everything seems the wrong size because they are LARGER THAN ANYTHING SHOULD BE. I have this same problem with parked construction equipment, but not nearly as bad. Also, dirigibles. Back to the point, At At’s are basically robots – sure, they have a driver inside their head controlling them, but what happens when they wise up and eject their driver and just do what they want? Do you think a few freaking zombies have anything they can do against one single At At? I was originally going to put an At At as the picture for this post, but I just couldn’t do it, so if you aren’t sure what they are, Google them.

For those of you who own the charming and entertaining RoboSapien – do you think he just sits there at night doing nothing while you are asleep? He’s plotting your death. And that robot they used to advertise from Honda or Toyota or something? That thing gets your mail for you, sure, but it also reads it and memorizes every detail so that it can not only kill you, but assume your identity as well. Then it starts wearing your clothes and acting like you, and no one ever realizes you are gone. And if you aren’t lucky enough to be killed by it, you end up being HIS robot butler and believe me, he will not treat you well. People will come over to your house and he’ll be hosting a party as you, and you’ll be serving drinks and finger foods, and you’ll try to convince people that you are human and they will be all “Wow, what a clever robot!”, and the robot version of you will then punish you later for trying to escape.

The Electric Grandmother. I saw it on tv when I was 6 or 7. Possibly 8. It made me scared of my own grandmother, and then I felt sad that I was scared of my grandmother and I cried a lot. All I actually remember about that movie is her serving a beverage from her finger, but she was a ROBOT. I distinctly remember performing tests on my grandmother to see if she was a robot, but there is no definitive test, that’s how much they can fool you. Ok, I totally just found a picture of the robot grandmother pouring a beverage from her finger, so I’m putting that as the picture for this post instead of Taco, which is what I had originally. I also just found out it was based on a story by Ray Bradbury, so that explains a lot.

All this is to say, Know Your Robots. If you suspect a friend or family member of being one, perform tests until you are sure. Do not buy robot toys or robot butlers, because they will kill you and take over your life. Be careful out there.

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