Yoga, Me and Gravity

P90X is dead to me. I was not meant to do it. God himself tried to give me warning signs, and I ignored them.

I have been trying the yoga part of it. Well, not the DVDs, but The Boy shows me how. I’m getting mildly bendier, but any of the ones that require balance do not work in my world. I just fall down, that’s all there is to it. I have created an art form out of falling. I fall on my ass, I fall on my side, I fall on my face – I have even come to the point where I can sense I am about to fall (which is basically any time I’m standing up), and rather than being able to stop myself from falling, I have been shouting random words that mean “I am falling. Someone please stop me”. Then I hit the ground, and there is usually a nice “wumph” sound to it. The “wumph” would be all the air coming out of my lungs as I hit the ground. So one example was “SHIT…wumph”. Another was “NO NO NO…wumph”. The Boy tried to get me to start slowly. “Lift one foot off the ground, not high, and just stand there”, he said. The minute my foot came off the ground my arms started flailing, I started jutting out my hips in spastic ways, and eventually – you guessed it – I fell. This is all evidence that I have no clue where my body parts are at any given time, and if I am aware of their location, I am completely unable to control them in any way.

Then The Boy, who is not only doing P90X religiously, but has added in “Insanity Asylum”, which is just what it sounds like, and DVDs on Krav Maga and Jiu Jitsu, or as I like to call it, Ju Ju Bees. If you are not familiar with this form of martial arts, You Tube it. It is sweaty men, rolling on the floor, clinging to each other and occasionally sitting on each other’s behinds in a way I can only describe as “extremely suggestive”. However, these people can kill you. My advice is to not tell them they look gay. Anyway, I’m back to being The Training Partner, but now I wear enormous boxing gloves. For some reason I thought wearing these gloves would protect the bone on bone impact that happens when he says “Ok, punch me” and I do, and he blocks me with his bony arm. The gloves don’t help, but it makes it freaking hilarious when he does not succeed in blocking me and I punch him in the head with an enormous boxing glove. Plus, they are really fun to wear. I would also like a helmet and I have decided that August is Helmet Month. If I do not have one by the end of August, I am going to protest.

I actually did not mean for this blog to become about food and losing weight. I chose “myfoodisproblematic” because it is a line from one of my favorite tv shows. However, I just talked about exercise and now I’m going to talk about food. I came home at 2am from The Boy’s house with white, sticky goo all over my shirt, mouth and hands. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER. I stopped at Walgreens and got Krispy Kreme donuts. I said “I’ll eat one donut, because I really want a donut right now”. Partially due to my excessive need to do things in a particular way, and partly due to the fact that I am a gluttonous whore, I ate more than one donut. We do not need to go into details, here. Suffice to say, I think there are donuts wrapped around my heart trying to kill me right now. And this is actually how I visualize the human body working. You eat something healthy, and your insides turn all pink and things flow smoothly and there are little people sweeping out dust and singing. You eat something bad, and it doesn’t even go down to your stomach, it immediately wraps itself around your heart. I have drawn a diagram to show what I mean.

So whether I’m shoving Krispy Kreme donuts in my face, or a cheeseburger, or something else encased in grease and fat, this is what I imagine happens. Then I start to breathe funny. Like, I can’t breathe. Logically I realize I’m panicking over the fact that I think I’m about to have a heart attack, but illogically, it is the donut wrapped around my heart causing me to not be able to breathe.

I’ll do yoga again tomorrow. I’ll fall some more. I’ll probably eat something, or many somethings, that I should not eat. And that will be just another day.

And since I figured out how to draw a picture and get it on here, here is a picture of a moose:

Oh, and I’m staying up till 6am to try to get into freaking and if I don’t, I am going to be MAD!

Thank you and goodnight.

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