I collect quotes.  Sometimes I overhear part of a conversation and write it down, or sometimes I am part of the conversation and I write it down.  Whether or not I’m eavesdropping, I write down a lot of quotes!  Unless otherwise indicated, these are all word for word, since I whip out my iPhone and start typing exactly what people are saying at that moment!



Me – Why won’t that thing stop spinning?

AJ – Because you’re special and your computer has inherited those qualities.


Me – Mommy, my fears of death are paralyzing me again.  I know you said I’ve been scared since I was two and nothing’s happened, but…

Mom – (interrupting) – Well, it’s a hell of a lot more likely to happen now than when you were two!

Me – Oh my gosh, thanks a lot, that really helped.

Mom – Look at it this way…life is life and death is death, get over it.


Dad – Mrs. Osborne’s dad was Jewish.  She’s not Jewish, but her dad was Jewish.

Me and Mom – (no response)

Dad – So is that Mark Zookerman.  That internet guy.

(my dad is obsessed with who is Jewish and who is not)


Dad – How old is Howard Stern?

Me – 58

Dad – How old is Howie Mandel?

Me – 56


Mom – Well how old is the lady?  What’s her name?

Dad – Mrs. Osborne.


Me – (with sounds of crashing and me yelling) AHHHHHHH!!!!!

Dad – (silence, and he continues sweeping the kitchen)

Me – (More crashing) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Dad – (silence)

Me – Geez, you could at least ask if I’m alright!

Dad – I don’t have time, I have to keep sweeping.


Emily – (6 year old niece)(in shock) You’re THIRTY FIVE??  You should be married by now!


Dad – (on American Idol) – Huh.  He won.  He’s probably crying because he knows he doesn’t deserve it.

Mom and I are quietly sobbing at the emotional Phillip Phillips.

Dad – And now you’re crying because you know it, too.

My mom’s friend Chris calls…

Dad – Hi.  Yeah, he didn’t deserve it and he was crying because he knows it.  (pause)  That’s what I said and they poo poo’ed me like I was wrong!


Mom – (on American Idol Aerosmith performance) – Oh, it’s awful, doesn’t he have any dignity at his age?

Dad – Wow, it’s really bad.  You’d think he’d lose his voice screaming like that.

Minutes pass…

Dad – It’s really bad.

Mom – You know, you could mute it.


Mom – Want to see Slider in person, Ken?

Dad – What, he’s going to be somewhere?

Mom – St. Thomas Aquinas, the last day of school pizza party for the inner city kids.

Dad – And Slider will be there???  You get to meet him???

Mom – Yeah, want to come?

Dad – Nah.


Dad (on the marriage proposal on American Idol) – He looks like he slept under a bridge, he can’t ask her to marry him like that.


On American Idol, JLo is about to perform….

Mom – Turn it off or I’ll leave the room.

Dad – Look, she went conservative.  She’s wearing her pajammies.



Me, to my mom – You don’t mind that I’m drinking your iced tea, do you?

Mom – It has sugar in it!

Me, pointing to my plate that has pudding, cherry cobbler and cream puffs – Look at what I’m eating!


Mom – it’s nice having neighbors with a nice yard.  It’s too bad they don’t have the same view.


AJ (attempting to say Jehovah Witness) – Jehovana Witness.


Me – You didn’t read my blog?!

AJ – I LIVE your blog!


Shannon – I have no pigment whatsoever (when comparing who is whiter, me or her)


Shannon – You guys are ridiculous!  In the nicest of ways!


AJ – She doesn’t give extra credit?  Who doesn’t give extra credit??

Me – Um, all of the professors at Notre Dame.

AJ – But Tri-C isn’t a REAL school!


Michael from Flour Arugula night – You know what they say about dandelion, it’s the poor man’s arugula.


Will (friend and bartender) – I tried watching The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo…

Darcy – I HATE IT!

At the same time, AJ says – It was fantastic.

Older couple next to us – That was perfect, and how it will be for the rest of your lives!


Dad – Everyone’s got their stories, there’s a lot of them.  But I don’t want to hear them, I’ve got enough of my own.


My mom, in her sleep – AHHHHHH!

I go running to her room and shake her awake.

Me – Are you ok??  You were yelling in your sleep!

Mom – (laughs) I know, because I still have to do that table.

Darcy – Silent shock and confusion.


Darcy – Flower can get knocked up if she meets a boy dog.

AJ – They wouldn’t do THAT in daylight!


AJ (watching me eat ribs):  Wow, you’re really going at it.   (about 15 minutes passes)  I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat something so….enthusiastically.


Darcy:  I walked into a gun fight with a knife.

Mark (my cousin): No, you walked into a gun fight with a banana.


Me (at a fancy restaurant, excitedly bouncing up and down in my seat):  Can I have the big one, please?

AJ:  Um, yeah.  We’d both like the entree sizes.


My Dad (talking about a former gym teacher who randomly remembered me and not my brother):  It’s one thing if you’re a great athlete, like your brother, but I guess they remember, you know, the opposite kind of people as well.


Maureen (My sister in law, to my mom, who was doing dishes):  Are you putting the dishes away?  I am going to get up and cause you physical harm while I’m holding a brain injured dog.


Dad:  It seems like Catholic people migrate towards Jews.


Darcy:  What is up with this John Carter film?

AJ:  It cost a lot of money to make.

Darcy:  Why?  Because of all the aliens and stuff?

AJ:  Yes, their rates went up and there was a big contract dispute.


AJ (answering the phone as my mom calls to ask yet another computer question, speaking in an Indian accent):  Thank you for calling tech support, this is Joan, how may I help you?


AJ (as my dad turns out the lights in the room we are sitting in):  You know, there have been studies that have shown more light improves people’s mood.

Dad:  I feel just fine.


Me:  Dad!  Just let her bite you so I can squirt her or she’ll never learn!

Dad:  I don’t want her to bite me!  Let her bite you, I’m not crazy, I don’t want her biting me.

Me:  It doesn’t hurt!

Dad:  Well I don’t want to find out!


Me:  My dad is well versed in tongue….oh God, that sounded really bad, didn’t it (in reference to beef tongue)


Me (at the zoo, in front of a baby’s mother):  I almost just stepped on that baby.

AJ:  Inner monologue, honey.


Clay:  I heard you.

Seth:  Well acknowledge me, asshole!


AJ:  I got robbed, I didn’t get anything out of it.  Well, I guess that’s how robbery works.  Otherwise, it’d be a transaction.


Darcy:  Stop it, my dad will come down!

AJ:  What, we were just hugging!

Darcy:  You were gyrating!

AJ:  Fine, I won’t gyrate.


Darcy:  We can watch a movie on my dad’s tv.  Ooooh!  We can order one!

AJ:  Your dad will die.

Darcy:  He will never know!

AJ:  Never know??  He knows right now!  He knows it’s being thought!

AJ (referring to his Amish cleaning lady):  I have to text her, damn it.  But she might be sleeping, or praying, or milking a cow or something.

Me:  Karyn and I are going to see a psychic next week.  I have to call for an appointment.

AJ:  Shouldn’t he already know you’re coming?


Me:  I asked Ali if she would do a non traditional holiday song, because she’s Pagan.

AJ:  Does she worship the devil?

Me:  If she did, I would have said “satanist” and not “pagan”.


Me:  So what do you think, bangs or no bangs?

AJ:  Bangs.  I don’t like it when people have long hair, and then short hair in the front.

Me:  Those are bangs.


Maureen (my sister in law, about whether or not Cathedral Latin is co-ed):  I think Cathedral Latin is bi-sexual.


Emily (my 5 year old niece):  Did Jesus eat trees?

Maureen (my sister in law, the mom):  No.

Maggie (Emily’s 7 year old sister):  Emily, Jesus wasn’t a dinosaur.


Chris (a friend):  She’s not a single white female, she’s a single white brain cell.


Sharon (a friend):  I call bullshit on that one.  Sorry, I shouldn’t say bullshit in a teahouse.

Darcy (that’s me):  Call shenanigans.

Sharon:  That’s what I should have called!


7 year old boy in a bookstore:  Wait!  I gotta take a picture of this and text it to mom so she knows I want it!


My Dad (on Lady Gaga’s performance at an awards show):  I liked it, the singing was just fine.  It’s just…all the scenery and stuff.  (the “scenery” in this case were very scantily clad men – my mom had previous stormed out of the room in protest when she saw it)


Darcy:  Oh my God, are you going to throw up?

Dave (my manager):  I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t feel THIS way.


Kid at the zoo to a giant lion:  He loves me.

Kid’s dad:  I’m pretty sure that’s not a look of love.


Drunken AJ:  I wonder who is the richest midget in the world?


Darcy:  That baby needs to stop crying or I’m going to punch it in the face.

Karyn (without missing a beat):  Yeah, you should never have kids.


Emily (5 years old)(in reference to the song Tomorrow from Annie):  Why is she saying “tomorrow” so much?  That’s overkill.


Karyn (my friend):  Because I can’t know, I must know.


Emily:  (4 years old) Kugel, no!  You’re a bad kugel!  (after a piece of noodle kugel fell on her dress)


Steve (my friend):  I gave her the PJ’s off my own ass.  Of course, that meant she had to sleep with me exposing my ass.


Jane (my friend):  His feet smell like popcorn.

Darcy:  But popcorn smells good!

Jane:  Not when it’s feet popcorn.


Kira (my friend):  Just run him over in his M3.

Darcy:  I don’t want to hurt him, I just want him to grow up!

Kira:  Sometimes you have to run him over to get that.

Joy (my mom’s friend who is very active in church):  Sometimes I just want to go up and slap holy people.
Random guy eating dinner outside at a restaurant:  These people are fabulously rich.  They don’t really belong on our street at all.
Emily (when learning how to pray):  Dear God, we prefer good luck.  We prefer good luck for all the children of the world…..except for Caden because he’s bad.

Emily:  My feet know the way to the potty.

My mom laughs.

Emily:  It’s not funny.  When they were little they didn’t know.


Darcy:  Do you have a yellow shirt?

Dad (who is colorblind):  Yes.  Could you go into my closet and pull out the yellow shirt and put it on my bed, just to confirm I know what yellow is?


Dave:  It was a big jumble of fuck.


Darcy (when playing Apples to Apples and the main word was “mystical” and my brother added “kilt”):  What’s so mystical about kilts?

David (my brother):  A guy wearing a dress?  I mean, come on, what’s up with that?


AJ’s Uncle Ernie (who is Mr. Forbes Businessman and extremely successful):  You know, in some circles, I’m considered a very influential man (after he and his wife were offering opinions about painting a wall and his wife overruled him and sent him out of the room)


Sasha (my friend):  My inner Leigh was irked.


Sasha:   YOU disperse!  There’s a sandal coming after you!  (this was after the buy area at work got too crowded and I yelled at everyone to disperse.  Also, I HATE sandals.)


Maggie (to my vegan brother, her father):  I mean, peaches have flesh, but come on!  It’s not like there’s meat in pie!


Mary (my friend, to Maggie, my niece):  How many fish do you have?

Maggie:  7.

Mary:  Do you have 4 of one kind and 4 of another?

Maggie (trying to be polite to an adult):  Umm, that would be 8.  We have 7.

Darcy:  You just got owned by a 6 year old.

Mary  (sincerely confused):  What happened to the 8th fish?  Did he die?


Darcy:  Oh my God, what are you doing??

AJ:  I’m adjusting!

Darcy:  My mother was just in the room!

AJ:  She turned around!  If you had these things, you’d understand!


Hostess:  Welcome to Mitchell’s Fish Market.

AJ:  Thank you.

Darcy:  Ewww, it smells like fish in here.


Mary:  Virginia is for lovers.

Darcy:  I thought that was West Virginia?

Steve:  No, that’s for cousins.


Darcy (to manager Dave):  I like your outfit today.  It’s very Army.  Like you could hide in the shrubbery and I wouldn’t be able to see you.


I lived in the basement of Paul Floriano’s house.  I am terrified of lightning, and this conversation happened during a lightning storm.

Darcy:  The house is going to get struck by lightning.

Paul:  What, do you think the roof is a conductor of electricity?

Darcy:  What is the roof made of?

Paul:  It’s made of tar and….roof.

He then went on to explain that we lived in a brick house, and that bricks won’t catch on fire.

Darcy: Is the whole house made of brick?”

Paul:  You go outside and tell me – it looks pretty fuckin’ brickful to me!


Tiffany – (after we bought in a VHS copy of Little Mermaid at the store) Oh!  It’s the penis one!


I was on a “business call” with manager Dave – he was off, and I was at work and he needed to catch me up on a few things.  Mid sentence, he says – Ooooh, hey!  Hell!  Criminy!

Darcy – What?  Are you ok?

Dave – Silence

Darcy – Dave???

Dave – I just beat a level of Angry Birds with just one bird!


Chris – Oh sure, if there’s a pig in the world wearing ill fitting pants, it’s Chris’s fault!


Overheard while getting my hair cut:

Girl 1 – She has a cat with no teeth.

Girl 2 – Why doesn’t he have teeth?

Girl 1 – He was a stray, but she bought him.

Girl 2 – That doesn’t explain why he has no teeth, what does he eat?

Random Customer – Applesauce.

Girl 1 – Soft cat food.

Girl 2 – But where are his teeth??


My mom (Ama to my nieces) – Bye Emily, I love you.

Emily – Silence

Maureen – Emily, Ama just said she loves you, what do you say?

Emily – (Stares, then) – Congratulations.


Maggie – Maggie likes fruit.

My mom – If you talk about yourself in the third person like that, the kids at school will think you are strange.  You should use the right pronoun.


Maggie – Pronoun likes fruit.


AJ – I’m not a dumbass!  I’m a badass!  What kind of ass do you think I am??


Rachel Floriano – You made me prematurely detonate.


Darcy – What am I supposed to say to a shrink?

Dave – You say “This all started on December 21st and I’m bat shit nuts on a lot of levels anyway”


My Dad (talking about his favorite Superbowl commercial) – That was the best one yet, there were monkeys driving cars.

….later….Dad – It’s really too bad you missed that one with the chimpanzees driving the cars.


My Dad – If my name were Ben Roethlisberger I’d be in high school before I was able to spell it.


Mom (on the many Superbowl ads featuring people getting hit with things in unfortunate areas of their bodies) – What’s so funny about getting kicked in the jewels?

Dad – especially by an insurance company you never even heard of.


Dave (regarding his safety policy at my store) – If you die at work, I want it to be because I killed you.

Rachel Floriano – It’s not about reality, it’s about what makes me happy.

Dad, on the new American Idol format – What about the elevator? Where’s the elevator?

Mom – They changed it, Ken.

Dad – Changed it?  They can’t change the elevator or I won’t like the program anymore.

Dad, on a basketball team – I wonder if that white kid ever looks around and wonders, what the hell am I doing here?
Dad, on the fact that a 500$ pair of jeans AJ ordered cost 89$ to ship – 89 dollars?  Holy cripe, my entire wardrobe doesn’t cost that!

Shannon, my cousin, on the color of the wall in her new condo – That color is not what I picked, but it’s hard to pick online

Mark, her brother, my other cousin, in a totally mocking tone – I know, that is SO not the color I would have picked for an accent wall.


Shannon, about the moving truck – Does the back of the truck lock?

Darcy – No.

Shannon – Oh, you know what?  It does lock, I saw a latch.  I’ll get it when we go back down.

Later…Shannon – It doesn’t really lock, I just said that in case anyone was listening.


Darcy – Mark!  Does this door lock by itself?  (referring to his apartment door)

Mark – Yeah.

Darcy – But I can still open it.

Mark – It locks.  Like the truck.


Lauren, Mark’s wife, on their son Luke – Take him with you to pee

Mark – Not in there, it’s a public bathroom (making an “ew, gross” face)

Lauren – It’s counterproductive to potty train him if we don’t put him on a potty!


Guy at JFK airport – You could have the best qualifications in the world, but if you get there and you act like a schmuck, you’re not gonna get the job.


Mom, on the show Alaska Highway Patrol – Is this what we’re watching?

Dad – Yeah, I figure this way we can see Alaska without dealing with Sarah Palin.


Dad, on Diddy Dirty Money’s performance on American Idol, which opened with a white woman playing the piano – Oh my God, it’s a white woman.

Mom – That is not what I expected.

(P-Diddy comes out)

Dad – Oh wait, there he is.  That’s more fitting with his name.

Further into the song…

Mom – That poor man has such family issues and he wrote a song about it.

Dad, almost shouting in complete and sincere shock, – You mean you can understand what he’s saying??


We have a *thing* at work – whenever Dave leaves the country, people and pets die.  He says we are exaggerating, but we are not.  We fear Dave leaving the country.

Dave, to me – Trust me, you’re a lot safer with me out of the country than you would be if I were here.


Me:  David J, what is the name of your Ju Ju Bee school?

David:  *name of school*.  Show some respect or I will triangle choke you.

Me:  You know, AJ’s been watching tons of DVDs and that shit is pretty damn gay looking.  Do you have anything you want to tell me?  I mean, they “mount” each other, and they are dudes.

David:  How is wrapping your legs around another sweaty man and rolling around on the ground with him gay?  I don’t get what you’re saying.

Me:  We need to have an intervention.  You’re lucky your gay club makes you able to kill me with your bare hands, or I’d make fun of you even more.  But as it is, I fear you, so I won’t tell anyone your secret.

David:  Especially mom.  I’m waiting for jiu jitsu coming out of the closet day.


Darcy:  Stop hiding things behind your back.

Tiffany:  I’m not, I’m holding my butt.

Darcy:  Oh.

Tiffany:  Did you want me to hold yours?


Emily (5 year old niece, looking at a picture of my friend’s triplets):  Are those twinbuplets?


Justin:  What is Desitin?

Darcy:  It’s baby cream that you put on their…

Luke:  It’s butt cream.

Darcy: ….butt.

Justin:  I’m glad I asked.


AJ:  He got up to the podium…or whatever the holy name for a podium is.


Customer 1 – HEY, DID YOU SEE THIS??

Customer 2 – Shhhhh!

Customer 1 – Don’t you shush me, we is NOT in a library.


AJ (after his first P90X workout):  I can barely move and now I’m supposed to contort and shit?!

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