I Almost Dognapped Two Wolves

So I turn down the street near my house and here’s what it is like. The street, I mean, not the actual feeling of turning down the street. Ok, so you turn from a street that is actually a pretty busy one, considering the smallishness of the city I live in. So I turn from this somewhat busy street down a woodsy (but not really) wildernessy street. I say it’s not really woodsy because my city has chopped down all the trees, so it APPEARS as if you are driving through lovely woods, but if you walked ten feet into these woods, you’d end up at a school or a shopping center. Or my 7th grade history teacher’s house, actually. But anyway….

I turn down the street and there is a wolf staring at me. I’m not even kidding, it was a wolf, I swear. So I stopped my car and got out, and tried to get him to come to me. He did the puppy “play with me!” dive to the ground, and wagged his wolf tail, so I made myself sound very excited and said “Come on, wolf! Come in my car!” This made him run AT me, rather than “towards” or “near” me – but then he stopped and sat down in the middle of the street (the woodsy street, not the busy street). I felt that was unsafe, so I made more of an effort to get him in my car. Since he was just sitting there staring at me, not being excited anymore, I stopped being excited and I tried to reason with him. “You can’t be in the street, it’s dangerous, wolf”, I said. And I really did say that out loud. Most people think I’m kidding when I say I talked to an animal, but no, I talked to him out loud. “A car will come by and you may not see it” was my other attempt at reasoning with the wolf. He took that to mean “Go run really fast into the busy street”, and so that’s what he did. I flapped and did a minor retard dance, all while saying “BAD WOLF! CARS! BAD WOLF!”. And by “minor retard dance”, I don’t mean that it was an 18 and under retard dance, I mean I just did a small one.

So the wolf came back, but he didn’t come to my car, he went into the yard of a house that is on the corner of the woodsy street and the busy street. That’s when I noticed there was another wolf laying calmly in the driveway. So now I had two wolves, and that made me really excited, because I want a dog, and two wolves are by far cooler than one dog – and one dog is really, really cool. So I tried to reason with the more calm wolf, telling him it’s cold and I could provide him with food and shelter.

Spazzy wolf was running in circles around the calm wolf, and I think he might possibly have been making fun of me. “Look at the human when I run in the street! Watch what she does!” I didn’t judge him, though, wolves need their fun, too. It was when they both came to the edge of the driveway and barked at me that I started to think they might not be wolves, but German Shepard/Wolf Hybrids. They definitely had a German accent to their bark. I made more “Come on in! I’m fun!” motions to get them both in my car, but they simultaneously turned and RAN towards the semi-busy street.

I got back in my car and realized a guy in a truck had been watching me the whole time, and he just drove by me and stared while I stood there by my car.

I made a dramatic U-Turn (a 5 point U-Turn, no less), and followed to where I thought the German Shepard Wolves went. I couldn’t find them, so I turned and drove back, and there they were, sitting in the driveway I found them in.

It hadn’t occurred to me yet that they lived at this house, so I kept trying to dog/wolfnap them.

I failed again and Spazzy Wolf ran in to the street some more, and Calm Wolf just laid down again. Despite my earlier bad experiences with calling the police to save an animal, I called the police to see if they would save the wolves. I explained that the wolves were in someone’s yard, and I thought that maybe they lived there, but it didn’t look like the person was home, and so could the police come and take the wolves inside so that they wouldn’t get run over? They said “Wolves?” and I said “Yes, there are two of them”. They said “No, I wasn’t questioning the number, I meant, they are wolves and not dogs?” I told them my German Shepard/Wolf Hybrid theory and they said “I think they are just someone’s dogs, do they have collars on?” Yes, they did. “Wolves don’t wear collars, they seem to be dogs”. Ok, well fine, they are dogs, not wolves, but I told the guy he’d be surprised at how much they look like wolves when he sees them.

I waited in the parking lot of the church that is across the street from the Wolf House, and they sat there and stared at me. Then a police car came, and he rolled down his window and asked if those were the “wolves that were running all over”. I said yes, and that they weren’t running now, but that they had been. Then, because I think they sensed my efforts to help them and they didn’t want me to look any more stupid than I already was looking, the wolves got up and ran into the busy street.

I said “see, they are running”. The police officer said he would try to round them up and get them home so they didn’t get hurt, and that I should probably just drive home and not try to save them myself. He also said that if I caught them, I could not keep them, anyway (yes, I asked if I could keep them). I was relieved when he did not pull out his gun and shoot the wolves, but instead, drove slowly trying to catch them. I don’t know what happened after that, because I drove home like he told me to, but only after I was positive he wasn’t going to just shoot them.

When I got home I told my mom that we have German Shepard Wolf Hybrids in our neighborhood, and she said that they were just dogs, and that the people in that house are horrible and always have new dogs and they just leave them outside all the time. That part is true, because one time I was so mad that they had their dog tied on a really short leash in horrendously hot summer sun with no water that I went up and knocked on their door intending to tell them that I was an officer with the Humane Society and that I was going to take their dog away from them. And then I was going to take the dog. But they weren’t home, so I tried taking the dog without telling the people I was a Humane Officer, but that dog did not want me to take him.

My mom said she has seen those dogs outside running loose like that before, and that they are definitely dogs, not wolves or German Shepard Wolf Hybrids. I have never seen them, though, so I am almost positive she made that up.

I have dognapped one dog and one cat, and had an attempted dognap attempt with two other dogs. The first dognapping attempt was when I was driving by a house and I had chicken nuggets from Wendy’s, and a dog was walking down the sidewalk. I got out and tried to lure the dog to me with chicken nuggets, but he went into one specific yard and kept growling and barking at me. So I threw the nuggets at him to show I had food and that he could eat it. He ate them. Then his owner came out and yelled at me for feeding chicken nuggets to her dog.

The second time I actually did dognap the dog. He was tiny and walking through the intersection of the very same semi-busy street and semi-woodsy street. So I stopped my car, picked him up and drove away. I intended to keep him, but my mom made me tell the police that I had this dog, and they said the owner called and was chasing after the dog when she saw me dognap him. Then she said she didn’t want to keep the dog and was hoping I would, but he was her daughter’s dog, and she’d feel bad if she let me keep him, so she took him away.

I catnapped a cat who usually lives in a house but got out. He came right to me, so I picked him up and put him in my car and he stayed overnight at my house. I went back to the same spot with him the next day and he bolted out of my car and walked up to the door of his house, and I haven’t seen him outside since.

The last one was a Golden Retriever who ran through an actual real live city intersection, and I had donuts, so I offered him a donut and he got in my car. I also called the police then (this was a different city), and they said someone had reported that their Golden Retriever had run away. So I actually saved that one, but I wanted to keep him.

Oh and one time I had to call the police because a horse was walking down the street by himself. They said “Again?”, so apparently this horse often gets away and takes walks by himself.

That is all.

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